I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
