so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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