I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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