But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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