he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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