I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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