I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i think im in europe. pls send help
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
