I need to stop coming to work sober
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
