i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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