The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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