Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
