I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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