my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
