How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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