you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
