I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
