I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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