My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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