My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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