I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
