Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
