Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
