i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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