The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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