Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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