Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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