I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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