The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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