Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
