Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
