why didn't you poke me back
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
