So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
