I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
