You made me cry and you don't even care
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
