I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
