you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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