honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
