Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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