I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
