They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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