Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
