If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i think my tv is drunk
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
