4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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