i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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