Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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