I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
