I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
