Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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