How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
