i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
